I'm feeling anxious... and must write.
Mothers day on Sunday... always an emotional day. I wonder if I should start a "celebrate our moms in heaven" club. We could do things our Mother's would have done on that day and do them together.
22 years and I still can't make it through the weekend without breaking down.
You can tell me all you want how ... she wouldn't want me to cry... shes in a better place... focus on your kids... do something and keep yourself busy... do something for someone else that day ...but you know what? I still want her here.... and she's not. I selfishly want to hug her, feel her, smell her and hear her voice. It's engraved in my soul since birth. It's a part of me to yearn for her. To have a "day" that glorifies and makes a corporate living off of others memories and their special love being made a "monetary worth" surrounding motherhood... it silently kills some of us.
Maybe it's because I've lost my mother... but when my kids (and husband) ask what I want for mothers day... I think to myself, "to see my mom and talk to her" and it wills me to grab my kids and hug them, make them squeal... give lots of kisses and love them endlessly. Why? Because I suddenly see my mother through my own child eyes and look at my children's familiar expressions.
I will love them like my mother would have. That's what THEY want. They want ME. So I suppose the tragic love story continues... and I know how my mother felt when she loved me. Happy Mothers day to all mothers... Living and deceased... for there is an endless amount of emotion, love and un penetrable bond that far surpasses the realm of this physical world. It transcends dark, cold... distant spaces made up by our imaginations and nightmares. It spreads as fast as flicking on a flashlight in the solitary closet of our minds.