Retribution is happening!

Hi there!

    It's been a wonderfully busy summer so far and I couldn't be more excited to work on Retribution. (Sequel to Vendetta). I 'm also in the process of designing an author website for myself with the help of the lovely and talented Site Studio Designs owner, Jaime Whited. I'll place a link below to her business site. She's so professional and easy to work with... I highly recommend her if your thinking of creating your own website for anything. She can take you step by step... it's a blessing.

    I hope everyone is having a wonderful summer and whatever it is you do... have fun!
-Jen

http://jwhited9.wix.com/sitestudio

Still the same old "G".

                                Guess who's back? Me. Or some version of me... I'm still trying to get used to myself. So, what have I been doing? Recovering. I had a stroke. (I wouldn't recommend one). A had a basilar artery migraine stroke to be exact. (There's many types of migraines, and I get the ones that cause you to have a stroke if not treated,) Aren't I the lucky one.  Your basilar artery carries oxygen to your brain. Mine got squeezed. Hard.When it first happened, it was a confusing time... you know, after I woke up 3 days later and started comprehending properly. It has a tendency to change you emotionally and physically, so I was told. They were right.


    I'm a changed person. I'm medicated...sometimes. I have anxiety and I have less patience than I did before. I also have a shorter fuse and a mild to moderate case of "Not giving a crap about what people think." Which is new to me. I have always cared way more than I should. Let's be honest. I have always wanted to please everyone and go above and beyond to show people how much I care and love them, even when the feelings weren't mutual. I want everyone to like me and well... love me. Now I'm quickly realizing, that the ones who really matter, and the ones who need my attention are my kids, husband, family and close friends. The REAL ones, might I add. Oh and one other really important person that I often forget about is.... me. I matter. I have to take care of myself in order to take care of my family.  Easier said than done... but I get it now. Thank you stroke... for shutting down my brain for a bit. I think I actually needed it.

     "What??? You needed that stroke? Jennifer,,, you're talking crazy now." That's the general reaction I get. But let's go back to the beginning so you can understand why. It's not sunshine and rainbows... it's actually really dark. But it needs to be purged from me. Writing is the best way for me to express it.


     I have to start with day 4. It's the best I can do as far as accurately remembering things. I made the decision to check myself out and go home. So where does ones mind immediately go when they think of leaving the doctors? Go to work. (I refused to believe that I had had a stroke. I didn't want to draw attention to myself). So... I hazily drive to work and try to function... slurring my words, confused and trying to focus on smiling and acting normal. My coworkers learn of my crazy morning, through my awkward explanations of how "fine" I am. My family doctor calls concerned, telling me to come back and run tests. I went. After it was all done... I was supposed to go home with strict instructions on 1. not driving , 2. check in daily for b.p., O2 saturation and temp checks. 3. get all prescriptions filled. 4. stay home until neurology appt. 2 months out. 5. set up scans and mri. tests 6. blood tests 7. eye exam with Opthamologist. 8. take it easy... and rest my brain. 9. focus on mental health and reduce stress in my life. 10. be patient with myself and cope with new side effects from stroke. 11. quit working.


     My coworkers.. sensing my obvious inability to make any decisions, and not believing me when I said I was "fine", gathered my children, and drove us all home. It was a moment for me that I will never forget. The kindness, sacrifice, concern and overall care they showed me. I was stubborn and very much in denial that something was wrong and something very serious had happened to me.

    The next few weeks went by so fast... medication adjustments, emotional ups and downs, and sleep. Lot's of sleep filled my weeks. There were a lot of tears. A lot of awkward looks as I stuttered and tried to say basic words. It was frustrating. I had moments of pure thankfulness to God that I was alive... to hopeless feelings of sadness and despair. My children's comprehension of what happened to "mom" is different. My oldest knows... the younger ones think mommy has headaches. Dealing with Gabe's feelings of inadequacy has sobered me. He felt like he should have tried harder to wake me up when I had the stroke. He now thinks back and wonders... what if.. I should have called 911. My son took care of my younger ones while I was basically in a coma that weekend. That was the best thing he could do. The younger ones remember that weekend as a party. Endless Netflix + cereal + peanut + butter sandwiches= best weekend ever!That is something they won't forget, I'm sure. 

      My husband feels extreme guilt over working nights and coming home to sleep , only to leave again for work, not understand how bad I was... and wondering why I was sleeping so much. He just thought I was sick.  But that scary time is over... My speech has improved, my typing has improved... my mind is coming back. I have a scar so to speak... its a permanent brain stem aura and  it has left me partially blind in my left eye. We won't know the extent of the long term impairments.. but I'm doing great. I started out going back to work slowly and that decision has proved to be beneficial to me. I get tongue tied sometimes and lose focus, but I have a great co worker who helps me quite a bit. The dizziness returns sometimes and I get vertigo also... but that's only when I don't take my meds.


     There are some people that have reached out through text messages, Facebook comments, phone calls and even stopped in to bring a meal the first few days. That was wonderful to see the support and feel the love. I didn't think it was necessary, because I let my pride get in the way... but I couldn't cook for them. It was a blessing. When reality started to finally dawn on me... the Dr. explained how crucial it was for me to stop pretending I was ok. I wasn't. I could have ... died. That was too much for me to bare. It still is. My family has been through a lot these past 2 months. We have seen dark depressing days, and basked in the glowing light of promise.  Josh and I are slowly making positive changes to benefit our family. My struggles have been mental as well as physical and have been quite challenging to my entire family.

      I feel, that most people around me understand our daily delicate struggles and give us time and support to work them out as a family. But there are some... that chose to reprimand me and judge me without even knowing what we've gone through. They simply haven't been here. Haven't called me, talked to me, or even been to our house. No one has the right to tell me what I should or shouldn't be doing. Nobody has the right to tell me where I should or shouldn't be going. All that does is show ME how ignorant you are and how un supporting, unsympathetic and  how unhealthy our friendship is. If I haven't heard from you in 2 months... and you call me up wanting me to babysit, clean up at church, run errands for you, make you jewelry or drive you somewhere... I'm going to do something I haven't done. I'm going to say NO. I'm saying NO more and more these days... and it feels great. I'm no longer a YES girl. It's actually quite liberating. Do I still help out when I can? Yes. When I can. I will no longer sacrifice myself or my families happiness and quality time... by stressing out and overloading my proverbial plate to please everyone else. I'm going to start living for myself. Is that selfish? No I don't think so. My husband and close friends and family don't think so either. In fact they're proud and they applaud my new found desire for life. I may not do and say what you want me to... or go where you think I should go... but if you care about me... you'll understand. If you don't... than that's not my issue. It's yours. Despite some of the changes I've talked about (I haven't divulged everything. Some things are still sacred.) I'm still the same person at the core. I'm strangely grateful for my stroke... let's tell the truth. It shut me down and reset my motherboard. I'm 33 years old and I have many wonderful things to live for. I have a renewed zest for life. As my dear friend so elegantly put, I'm still the same old "G".

     

Tell me how you really feel. A letter from a "Fan".

  *(Well, hello there!)* <--- This is what my comments will look like inserted into the letter. :) Enjoy the letter. I know I did!

Dear Jen speak

I am not sure why you considered being a para pro at your child's school. Some people think it's crazy and say that you should just go back and get a degree in education. Apparently para pros aren't taken very seriously you know. It sounds like they are in high demand but not appreciated for what they do. Obviously not paid very well from the sounds of it either.

 *(Please tell me if you have any other thoughts on my life)*.

I hate the word Para professional. What exactly does that mean. As an elementary school teacher, I suggest you go back to school and get a degree. If you don't want to do too much schooling or do it slowly get your associates degree in Education, early childhood or elementary education or both and get a job as an associate teacher which is better experience and more respect than a para. And then if you wan to be a head teacher one day you have two years under your belt already and on hand experience all you would have to do is get a bachelors and a masters which would be difficult but a little easier for you because of your classroom experience.

 *(Thank you for your advice.)*

I hope you make the decision to better yourself properly. You seem like a smart person.

Anonymous.        

*(You're not anonymous... I follow your blog. Perhaps my intelligence SHOULD be called in to question. )*

I'd rather be someones shot of whiskey, than everyones cup of tea.

   I had an amazing chat with a fellow writer this morning. Yes, that's right. I'm calling myself a writer. We discussed pod (print on demand), self publishing and Indie publishing in general. We really built each other up and said positive wonderful things and all the while encouraging each other to keep writing and not let anyone discourage us. Then the conversation took an unexpected "darker" turn. Maybe it was our special moon cycles aligning... as it's been known to happen to women sometimes, but we basically both started to.... ummm, cry. Yep, cry.

   As the flood gates opened, we began to express how we felt silly and humored by our family members and friends, while we tried so hard to impress them with our stories. We unceremoniously want them to love and support us. Shameless isn't it? This is where I will now introduce my self described pet peeves.

   Pretending To Read It pet-peeve #1. I know when they lie and say... "Oh yeah! I read it... it was soooo good." (But that's all they ever say about it)... You can ask them about certain things... or what there favorite parts might be... but when your heart grows still, you silently know what's coming next. "Oh, I loved it all!  I don't have a favorite."

   Burn. Yeah... it  smarts a bit, but you chalk it up to... "they're so busy, they don't have time! To... Oh my good GOD! It sucks doesn't it? It's so crappy that they can't get through it! Dear Lord help me.. I'm a failure."

   We bonded over our heart breaks and built each other up again... "Oh well! It's not for everyone. That's alright! Let's focus on the fans we have, and the ones who really give a damn! It doesn't speak to our work... it speaks to there personal preference and we respect that!"

   Yeah. For a little while. Then we get into the heart of the matter....Feedback and reviews.

   Pretending To read it pet-peeve #2... "Oh, I can't leave a review on Amazon... I don't have internet on my phone." (The one they're using to get on Facebook.) Or there's the sympathy text... "I really enjoyed your book. I will recommend it to others." Great. Thanks. "I can't see the review button, I don't know how to leave a review"... or the ultimate diss... ready? "I left you a review! I don't know if it "went through" or not but I did.  It won't let me try again... must be something wrong with there website." You didn't try... and you didn't leave a review. Shakes head).  No you didn't. You pretended to read my book... and now your pretending to like it, pretending to leave a review... which is sooo important to writers. Oh and FAMILY! Super important to family and good friends... to just support them. Hello?!

   It's happened to us all, right?  I have sold/given away a combination of 125 books to family and friends... and I have 9 reviews on amazon. 9. From strangers, friends and family. If you're going to fake read a book...  and fake support it, then fake review it.  For posterity's sake!

   So I will leave you with my final thought, in which I told my new friend. "It's okay if they haven't REALLY read our books. We haven't read there's either."

I'm just a stay at home mom.

Some of you know me. Some of you don't... you merely know "of me" and assume to understand my life and the ins and outs of being a stay at home mom. It isn't always sitting on the couch watching soap operas and devouring a bag of Lay's potato chips at 10 o clock in the morning. How many of you just thought of The Young and the Restless?  I won't tell, if you don't.

I personally have been a stay at home mom since I quit Starbucks in 07'. I had my middle son Joshua (JJ) and it was flat out impossible for me to keep my job, spend a ton of money on daycare for 2 kids, and commute back and forth. Josh and I crunched numbers and we discovered that at the end of my working life... I brought in a profit of 10 bucks. We couldn't afford to eat let alone go to a restaurant... couldn't waist gas on going to the park on the weekends or even drive to church on Sundays... we were so flat broke... that we couldn't put gas in "both" vehicles. We even tried to get assistance. Gasp if you must... it's a shameful part of our lives... but know this... our judgment doesn't come from you.

We we're denied because we made too much. I quit my job, stayed home with Gabe and with JJ growing in my belly... we eventually re applied and were granted Medicaid and food stamps. It saved our family! Fast forward... the death of a wonderful man and Josh's boss, sent us back to Buhl. AS God's plan would have it.. we ended up in the same place I lived as a kid, with my brother. The hatchery, owned by another man now, was hiring. The house we live in now, was renovated by Josh and we moved in just after having JJ. Living here for free and working for ARK fisheries was the best possible outcome we could ask for. It allowed me to stay home with the kids, take them to and from school and be close to Josh's work. After Lily Belle was born, I finished a novel, got my jewelry business back up and running, and stay very busy with all three kids, school and activities. I also have a disabled father that I run errands for, take care of and often have to paralegal on the side. My oldest son has Tourettes syndrome and my middle son has Aspergers. I am constantly attending to there needs... speaking at the school, and an active participant in there drug-free behavioral routines. Life is difficult enough to go through all of these things and go to church, run book clubs, have jewelry parties, and help out friends and family sooo much that they eventually take advantage of your kindness... and EXPECT you to do things for them... because you don't have a 9 to 5 job. I'm just a stay at home mom. I apparently have all the time in the world at my disposal.

 I mow lawns, clean other peoples houses, babysit, and handle odd jobs for people all the time. Do I get paid for it? NO. Do I do these things out of the kindness of my heart? Yes, I honestly do. I just bought my dad a house and handled it all myself. He only had to sign papers. I moved him with my own vehicles and didn't ask for a single penny. I handle all of his important phone calls and do his taxes. (I am his power of Attorney). People will randomly call me up and tell me to "do this" or "do that" and I just keep my mouth shut and do it... hoping for some gas money or something to get offered at one point or another. SOME kind of gesture that what I'm doing is appreciated. A kind word or a thank you is worth more than money in the bank. I have gotten 2 text messages as I sit here and type... they're both from people needing something from me. I have got to get a hold of myself... or I'm going to tell everyone to F off. My family is going through so much right now... everything is upside down (metaphorically speaking) and incredibly stressful. It's all culminating into this breaking point of mine. I'm about to go postal on people... and it's not even there fault. I have created monsters... and I must kill them. Just kidding... maybe not kill them as in the literal meaning... (Sorry Jesus) but in a fun  "stab them with their steely knives... but you just kill the beast" kind of way. What I mean to say is... I have to tell each and every one, within there own special circumstances... NO. Just a flat out... simple... NO. I'm sorry, I can't. If they don't have time to do it... that's too bad. It's their life. Not mine. Their problem, not mine. Some will understand and some won't. Some will guilt trip you into doing something else for them instead... like you OWE them a favor now. Stand your ground Jen... for crying out loud... your a freaking beast mode, mommy machine. Get over it.

This particular stay at home mommy could run for President, handle 3 dentist appointments before noon and mow a lawn in Texas by dinner, have her kids bathed, fed and in bed by 8 with time to spare to do the dishes and dance on a table in Tijuana with a red scarf around her neck, while clutching a bottle of Tequila. Maybe not the last part. A girl still has time to dream doesn't she?

Don't underestimate us world... just because you have a 9 to 5 job... and harbor resentment towards us ladies that are stay at home types... doesn't mean we aren't contributing to the world! Raising kids out of daycare is an honor and an amazing effort and is totally worth it! Don't hate...  and don't take advantage of people who you think don't work. How about YOU hire a nanny or a butler to handle all of your silly little demands and leave us stay at home moms the hell alone. WE don't have the time to wipe your butt too. The payment for us is having great kids who had hardworking parents (In and out of the home) sacrifice for them. Thank a mom and get off your high horse.. WORLD! Just as a disclaimer... if your name is actually "World".... than I apologize. It's probably not about you. :)

Jen speak.: Mother's Day Mirage..

Jen speak.: Mother's Day Mirage..: I'm feeling anxious... and must write.  Mothers day on Sunday... always an emotional day. I wonder if I should start a "celebrate...

Mother's Day Mirage..

I'm feeling anxious... and must write.

 Mothers day on Sunday... always an emotional day. I wonder if I should start a "celebrate our moms in heaven" club. We could do things our Mother's would have done on that day and do them together.
Or not.
 22 years and I still can't make it through the weekend without breaking down.

   You can tell me all you want how ... she wouldn't want me to cry... shes in a better place... focus on your kids... do something and keep yourself busy... do something for someone else that day ...but you know what? I still want her here.... and she's not. I selfishly want to hug her, feel her, smell her and hear her voice. It's engraved in my soul since birth. It's a part of me to yearn for her. To have a "day" that glorifies and makes a corporate living off of others memories and their special love being made a "monetary worth" surrounding motherhood... it silently kills some of us.

    Maybe it's because I've lost my mother... but when my kids (and husband) ask what I want for mothers day... I think to myself, "to see my mom and talk to her" and it wills me to grab my kids and hug them, make them squeal... give lots of kisses and love them endlessly. Why? Because I suddenly see my mother through my own child eyes and look at my children's familiar expressions.
 I will love them like my mother would have. That's what THEY want. They want ME. So I suppose the tragic love story continues... and I know how my mother felt when she loved me. Happy Mothers day to all mothers... Living and deceased... for there is an endless amount of emotion, love and un penetrable bond that far surpasses the realm of this physical world. It transcends dark, cold... distant spaces made up by our imaginations and nightmares. It spreads as fast as flicking on a flashlight in the solitary closet of our minds.